so i've been reading the bell jar, and i'm pretty sure it's fucking with my head.
i feel like me and that ester lady have something in common.
i don't know, maybe we don't.
i'm still in a really strange mood, and i can't figure out why. all i know is that it makes me incapable of using capital letters.ha.

i feel like she is lying. not that it even matters...what she is lying about. because if it did, and it doesnt, then that would mean i'm envious. and i'm not. envious is not a good place to be.only bad things can come from wanting something that someone else has.

i think i'm ready for cold weather. then my outsides will feel like my insides. hey, can you blame a girl for craving some balance? at least then things would make sense.use logic. something to that effect.

i'm tired of wanting something and not getting it.
plain and simple.
what else is a girl to do?

so here is my dilemma.... i obviously can't convince myself that i don't give a shit about him, or them, so do i continue to believe what she says, or do i continue to question her every move? 
i always do this. or some version of this. i feel like i keep having the same dream, or i'm watching the same episode of a really boring tv show, just waiting for something to be different.

i just wish i knew it would all work out.